The bridge to be crossed

Man oh man, how time flies. Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in my 5th and final year of dental school.

As I reflect on these past few years, I realised that I am different from the person I was when I first came to Adelaide. I’ve been stretched and crushed, encouraged and inspired. I’ve been let down and hurt, and have done the same to others. I’ve been challenged to change, and at the same time yearning for the way things were.

Coming into young adulthood while overseas is something that I look back on and thank God for. As hard as it was being away from home, I am aware that it has given me a bit of space to find my footing in my faith.

The big question

Since coming to Adelaide, friends and I always ask each other, “so do you plan to stay or head back home once you’re done?”

This is a question that has lingered in my heart. The answer has swayed like a pendulum at different junctures.

• When I flew back after July break in 2019, it just felt normal returning, like I had lived in Adelaide for a long time.
  
• Having a drink thrown at me from a car while I was walking home one night reminded me that it was going to be difficult to feel truly at home here.
  
• In 2020, When my brother ordered Korean fried chicken for me as a surprise during my exam period and I missed it because I was not home to receive it, I recorded a video, promising myself that I have to go home once I’m done, because I don’t want to miss any more meals together as a family.
  
• On days when I felt so comfortable with my church family and realised how much space in my life this community has taken up, the thought of having to say goodbye was stinging.

• Having a fallout with my best friend and friend group made me feel really alone. At that moment, I wanted to run away forever and live in Australia.
  
• Each holiday that I returned to Singapore always felt jarring at first, and that it was so squeezy and crowded. But by the time I would fly back to Adelaide again, it became something that I had always been familiar with.
  
• I’ve incredibly thankful for the good friendships I have with my housemates these past 4 years, but nothing feels quite as safe and comfortable as being at home with my family, and I realise that when I sprawl on the living room sofa on Sunday afternoons.
  
• Visiting my sister in Melbourne and envisioning how wonderful it would be to work there with at least one family member nearby was such a wonderful prospect to play out mentally.
  
• Video calls home with my dad counting down how many years till I finished school always tugged at my heartstrings.

• Towards the end of 2022, there was a moment when I was alone on the train home after a day at Marion clinic where something just clicked, and I realised I was really comfortable with this routine of working and then going home to cook dinner for myself, and that I wasn’t miserably homesick anymore. Just that thought of, “what if this could be it?”
  
• Just in December last year, I met up with Adelaide graduates who are now working in Singapore. They commented that there was little gain in working in Australia for 1-2 years before returning to Singapore, because things are just so different between the 2 places. I knew I eventually wanted to return to Singapore, so hearing that really made me think, “then why not return immediately?”

In my reply, after giving my balanced answer of advocating for both options, I always ended off with, “but I still have more to go, so I’ll cross the bridge when I get to it.”

Well, the bridge is finally in sight, and each passing day makes it loom larger and more complex. I begin to see how strong the river’s current is, and also the increasing beauty of each side of it. The general direction has always been to return home, but the answer isn’t as straightforward as I’d like it to be.

I thank God that time and time again, He has assured me that it is not where I go, but rather who I go with. and Deuteronomy 31:88 tells me who that will be:

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

I’m uncertain, yet unafraid, because my God goes with me.

I’ve been told that my calves are one of my best features. Better preserve it online then.